Wedding Rules - Not Vows!

I never knew marriage came with so many rules. “Do you promise to love and to cherish, through sickness and in health, by following the rules not yet disclosed, so long as you both shall live?” Nope…that was NOT in my wedding vows.

It is “sign on the dotted line”…the fine print is a 27-page disclosure that no one reads! The rules, well they evolve over time. It’s like, you just get used to rules 42 – 46 and BAM! here come numbers 47 – 50. It is an evolution of rules. To keep you as clueless as possible soon after the honeymoon, you are given and expected to learn a few basic “puppy breaking” rules:

#1 - Rinse the sink after spitting out toothpaste

#2 – Wash and dry dishes immediately after eating

#3 – Hit the hamper with your dirty clothes at least 50% of the time

Now, those are all simple and achievable goals, I mean rules. And, they are easy to understand. But they are only a test; a test to see how pliable and manipulable you can be. After a few months, a few more rules are added, supposedly because the first three rules have now become muscle memory.

#4 – Don’t belch at the dinner table

#5 – Put the seat down on the toilet at least 50% of the time

#6 – Hit the hamper with your dirty clothes 100% of the time

#7 – Take the garbage out before it overflows

You can see where #s 4-6 are again very measurable but start to take on an expansion of expectations. #7 seems simple but there is room for judgment based on the term “overflow”. But here is where the rules start to become problematic. Even if the guy doesn’t master #4-7 in a couple of months, there is still a progression to more rules, which places a certain yet to be determined pressure, strain perhaps, on your marital bliss.

#8 – Continue to work on #s 4, 6, and 7. On-site coaching will be provided as needed.

#9 – Replace plastic garbage can liner with new liner and make sure the lid to the outside garbage bin is refastened to prevent animals and birds from getting into the garbage

#10 – Take off your dirty shoes when you enter the house

Coaching? I didn’t sign up for coaching. Is this optional? Then you find out the answer is no…. that the only way out of coaching is compliance. And this isn’t a one-time requirement…. this is a forever thing, which is not unlike a forever ring. And now you can see the thinly veiled seepage into your outside world. It wasn’t enough to create a rule for indoor garbage but now she has crossed the line into guy territory – the outside. It’s called Rule Creep and there is no cure for it. People always wonder when the honeymoon is over. It is over once you have hit double-digits rules.

#11 – Learn there are shades of every color and shade is more important than quarterback statistics

#12 – Apply patience at the paint counter while your wife chooses between seven shades of off-white for the ceiling that no one looks at

#13 – There are six different naps for rollers and selecting the correct one is almost as important as choosing the correct shade of paint

I have found these to be situational rules, not ones that you have to commit to memory. I mean, once she starts to lean toward the paint counter, these kick in like a recurring nightmare. It is like trying to suck high-pulp orange juice through a narrow straw. The harder you try, the harder it gets. But at least I can put these rules in the category of situational.

#14 – Cars were meant to be washed and waxed at least once a month

#15 – Vacuum cleaners left in the middle of a room require the bag to be changed

#16 – Take the bag to the outside trash rather than ten feet to the inside trash where it will take up too much room and cause a poof of dust when you squish down the trash to keep it from “overflowing”

This is the start of unrestrained rule-making. At first, I thought it was to make me a better person. Now I see where this is more about bringing a precise order to the marriage. Maybe I should make some rules, like it’s okay to let the food cake on the dishes two nights a week. Well, I will have to put more thought into that, but most of my brain cells are now tied up with learning and following rules. Perhaps that is the overall master plan behind this. But for now, I will just continue to move forward.

#17 – Okay does not always mean okay; it almost always means you should rethink that

#18 – Fine should never be taken as permission to do anything

#19 – Maybe means no

#20 – Sometimes maybe means yes, but the majority of time it means no

#21 – “Wow” means you just said or asked something incredibly stupid. It is not an expression of delight.

As you can see, rules have now become precautionary in nature. They no longer focus on specific tasks or chores; rather, they take me to a totally new level. It is like leveling up in a computer game. Rules 17 through 21 start to explain why I have been getting so much wrong lately. These rules, while not widely known, are often a key to success.

I could go on and on, as I believe I have logged over 300 rules in my lifetime…but I will stop here. Some are simple and reasonable, like #129 - don’t eat ice cream in the brand new car rule. Others are deep and vague, such as # 263 – you will never win the thermostat war because even if it stays on your setting you will lose in a different way. You just won’t when or how.

But two rules we never break are # 33 - “never go to bed mad at each other” and # 298 - “as you get older, the time to make up is a lot closer to 8:30pm than ever before, so hurry with the dishes and say you're sorry."

Joe Alpaca - I fell in love once. Then I got married. My dad told me marriage is like a walk in the park. I soon found out he meant Jurassic Park. My Uncle Bert told me marriage is the only war where you actually sleep with the enemy. My pastor said marriage is an institution. But who wants to live in an institution? Finally, my grandmother once said that marriage is like a bean casserole. You never know what you're going to put in it, but it always come out okay.

Cheers!