Marital DEFCON

Did you know that as a husband there is a right way and a wrong way to say “yes Dear”?

True story!

“Did you take the trash out?”

Option 1 = “yes dear I did.”

Option 2 = “YES DEAR” as in “always dear!” as in “get off my back dear”.

As a younger husband, I thought using the word dear was enough to soften the most egregious reply. That seems to only work the first few months. Once your better half gets their sea legs, that no longer cuts it.

I liken it to a pirate ship back in the day! A new recruit screws up and someone pulls him aside to warn about the danger of not doing things right. The second time, the parrot sounds off, eight brawny guys grab you and tie you to the bow of the ship as Kraken bait.

Once I got the hang of saying “yes dear” correctly, Judy could tell if I really meant it. I mean, it's like being in Double Jeopardy and someone gave you a dried-up marker. No matter how hard you press on that sucker, nothing is coming out.

So, is there an option to not say anything? Only if you pretend you never heard the need to respond. But you can overuse that as well, because your lack of hearing can be interpreted correctly as not wanting to hear or worse yet, plain ignoring! Below are a series of possible responses along with my interpretation of risk factor. Now, a risk factor is much like the military DEFCON system.

DEFCON 1 is heightened alert but don’t worry too awful much. DEFCON 2 is get everything in working order and stand by. DEFCON 5 is launch what you’ve got and hope for the best.

Well, in marriage risk factor or DEFCON 1 is be aware your significant other (SO) suspects something is amiss. Be aware your next few moves will be fully scrutinized.

DEFCON 2 is their suspicions have been confirmed. They have detected a slight shift of attitude or a shirking of duties. Further tests will be run to determine validity and potential actions required.

DEFCON 3 means all suspicions have been validated. A trap has been laid out for you. You can either mow the lawn or sit and watch the game, even though it is going to rain the next three days. The game was great! But now their bombers and missiles are on standby awaiting further orders. You can either run outside and do the lawn in the fleeting twilight or you can apologize and change your ways.

DEFCON 4 is when you did neither one, and now the lawnmower is sitting outside in the pouring rain. Not only that but you taped the game on the DVR and prevented her from taping a movie. Lights and alarms should be going off warning you that a strike is imminent, but you are either too stubborn to submit or are totally out of touch with the tuna and liverwurst casserole served for dinner.

DEFCON 5 is something to be avoided at all costs because it is costly in both time and money. You don’t instantly recover from DEFCON 5. You have to rebuild trust, pay for the HSN shopping, submit to a chick flick evening and undergo a two-week retraining session.

Just be aware!

Here is a quick baby bird update. I think this is now day 10 as I stayed away from the next for a few days because momma seemed a bit stressed out. Both little ones are feathered out now and REALY fill up that tiny nest! One seemed to be giving me the stink eye!

Now back to marriage. I love to change the lyrics of real songs; to bring them more to life! Being a descendent of farm people, and enjoying occasional visits to farms, I decided to go with Old MacDonald. You know…..

Old MacDonald had a farm

E I E I OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

And on his farm he had a cow……

Now, I must warn you I took some artistic license on this one, so I hope you get through it. And if you have seen this before and liked it – enjoy! If you have seen this before and didn’t like it – you can go work on your DEFCON definitions for the quiz!

I see that Judy has a thought

Oh my aching soul

And in her hand she has a catalog

What am I in for now?

We can put this here

And put that there

Here a basket there a basket

Stop it, all I see are baskets!

I see that Judy has a thought

Oh my aching soul

And on her computer she has some plans

What am I making now?

We can put a bench here

and put a bench there

Here a bench, there a bench

I simply cannot make one more bench!

I see that Judy has a thought

Oh my aching soul

And in this cookbook there is a recipe

What am I making now?

Just dice some onions here

And slice some peppers there

Here some rice, there some rice

It makes so much we'll have to eat twice!

I see that Judy has a thought

Oh my aching soul

And UPS just delivered this crate

What more must I endure?

Attach part AB to part CD

Then flip to attach two BBs

Here some pegs, there some screws

That's not the way it looks in the views

I see that Judy has a thought…….

OH MY………

ACHING…….

SOUL!!!

PEACE OUT! Below is my retirement shirt from Erica and Ethan!