This Panda Walks into a Bar

Are you ready for Batman 27, “The Bottle Returns of The Bat Man”? Or are you like me, tired of the same old plot? The same old Batman, still reeling from the death of his parents, fighting evil and corruption while also being a semi-fugitive from justice because of his ways. Throw in a slightly different crime boss or corrupt cop and BOOM! You have a new movie.

But what if….

What if the next Batman movie had him running across Dr. Who and somehow in a scuffle, they both wind up in the TARDIS, which is a time-traveling device. Now Batman has heard of the TARDIS, as he and Robin typically binge Dr. Who when crime is low. Therefore, when he emerges from the TARDIS, he knows he is in a changed world. Bleak is the word he would use…and sandy…with lots of rocks. Batman scans the horizon and sees a sand dune rising from the vast desert he seems to be stuck in. And from all the episodes of any adventure film he and Robin had ever watched, there is always something on the other side of a sand dune.

Batman trudges toward the dune but gets aggravated when sand and pebbles start of get inside his bat boots. He sits down and takes his bat boots off and it is only then that we realize that Batman wears Hello Kitty socks. Who knew? So off he goes until he reaches the top of the dune. Sure enough, there is a city on the other side, stuck between a craggy hillside on three sides. It looks like Phoenix on a hot, hazy day, where the air has a bronze tinge to it.

An hour later, Batman enters the main part of town and instead of going to the Tourist Information booth, heads straight for the bar. Why do new people always go to the bar? It is unlikely law enforcement is there or anyone trustworthy. Maybe it is that innate need to stir up trouble. Batman takes on arm and slowly pushes the swinging door open so he can peer inside. The lights are dim and the brightness of the desert sun shining overhead makes it impossible for him to assess any danger. He walks in anyway, because he is Batman and it is in the script – “Push through the door and walk calmly to the bar.”

An alien man with three eyes and a trunk for a nose walks up from the other side of the bar and asks, “What’ll ya have?”

“Whatever’s good,” Batman replies in his deep “I’m Batman” voice.

Then this drunk comes staggering toward Batman, trips over someone’s foot and hits Batman from behind.

“Sorry friend, I guess I’m a bit wobbly”.

Batman is not amused, grabs the drunk by the shoulders and tosses him into a nearby chair.

“Hey,” the man says. “Did you hear we had a panda come into the bar yesterday?”

“No,” Batman said dryly.

“Well, hic, we did. Came and sat in this very chair and ate his fair share of peanuts. Then he took out this phaser and shoots up into the ceiling. The place got REALLY quiet.”

“What happened then?” Batman asked, bored out of his mind.

“Well, you see this panda then just gets up and heads out the door. I called after him and asked what all that commotion was about? You know, I just gotta know, you know?”

“Yeah I know.”

“And the panda just say ‘I’m a panda. Google me.’ So, I did and sure enough he was right. Panda – tree climbing, black and white mammal that eats chutes and leaves.”

Before Batman could react, three guys in robes come up and invite Batman into a back room. All three, as it turns out, are Jedi Masters. They give Batman his own Jedi robe in return for his armor which they intend to sell to the Mandalorian in an upcoming episode. In exchange for his utility belt, which they found rather entertaining, they provide Batman with a purple light saber, which can also be used as a black light to find urine or guano stains on the Bat Cave floor.

They then give him a speeder so he can get back to the TARDIS and fight crime as the Bat Jedi. As the movie unfolds, the Bat Jedi must learn how to master the strength of the light saber and occasionally gets in trouble with the power company for accidentally taking down some utility poles and transformers. But anyway, you catch my drift. Would that not be some kind of special? No? Whatever!!!

So this guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of punch.

“Get in line,” the barkeep says.

The guy was confused because there was no punch line.

This Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The parrot is wearing a small, black beret.

“Where did you get him?” the bar keeper asked.

“In France. They have a few million of them,” answered the parrot.

A screwdriver walks into a bar.

“Hey, we have a drink named after you.”

“You have a drink called Phillip?”

A grizzly bear walks into a bar and orders a “rum……and coke.”

“Why the big pause?” the barkeep asked.

I don’t know. I was born with them!

And one last one before I sign out.

A weasel walks into a bar.

“I’ve never served a weasel before. What will you have?”

“Pop!” goes the weasel.

Cheers!!!!!!!