Alien Abduction?

Whenever I need some fodder for a blog, I just go out into the world. It usually does not take long. This morning was a great example.

On my way to Home Depot to get some sealer for my garage concrete floor and a few extra “honey do” list items, I noticed this gentleman tugging on his riding lawnmower. It seems to be stuck between two trees. I felt compelled to stop and lend any assistance I could.

“Hello!” said, trying to announce my arrival without scaring the man half to death.

“Darned thing is stuck.”

“Yeah, it looks like there is a high spot in your lawn between the trees, perhaps a root pushing the dirt and grass up.”

“I suspect,” he replied while he took his Patriots cap off to scratch his head.

“Well, if you want, I can help you get it off.”

“Nope.”

“Okay then,” I replied and turned toward my car.

“I get it stuck here every week and never needed help before.”

“Okay,” I called over my shoulder as I stifled a laugh.

So…..you know what Albert Einstein would say! The definition of insanity is doing the same thing, over and over, and expecting different results. Here is a great, real-life example!

After stopping for gas, I zipped into Home Depot and stopped an employee who was obsessed with not making eye contact with me. That should have told me not to bother asking, but I just had to!

“I am looking for an epoxy-based sealant for garage concrete floors. Can you tell me where I can find that?”

“Aisle 22, right down there,” he pointed before rushing off like his pants were on fire. I checked…they were not. And the rest rooms are in Aisle 23, so I ruled that out as a potential issue as well.

So, Aisle 22 had tools for when you POUR concrete, including some additives to put INTO the concrete, but nothing to actually SEAL the concrete after he had dried and cured.

I smiled, because it makes people wonder what you are up to and walked toward the Service Counter, which is often a misnomer. There were two employees standing there talking. I interrupted and asked the same question as before, “I am looking for an epoxy-based sealant for garage concrete floors. Can you tell me where I can find that?”

“Aisle 8,” one employee said.

“Okay thanks. When I asked earlier someone directed me to Aisle 22, but that wasn’t quite right.”

“Maybe you didn’t say sealant. Those are down in Paint.”

“Perhaps you are right,” I said, taking the less-traveled high road, which is weird for me, especially before coffee.

Off I go to Aisle 8 which, by the way, did not have what I was looking for. I waited for the one Paint employee to finish mixing a gallon of paint for another customer, then asked, “Excuse me. Can you tell me where I can find..blah blah blah…”

“That’s down in Aisle 22.”

“Nope. No its not. I have a garage floor that is four years old and I want to put a nice finish on it and seal it up. Your Service Counter friends pointed me to Aisle 8.”

“There’s nothing in Aisle 8 that will do that.”

“Well, perhaps Aisle 7, 9 or 10?”

He looked at me like I was trying to make this harder than it was. I gave him the same look and tilted my head and smiled. I have found that usually gets some action, good or bad.

We walked toward Aisle 9 and asked, “You gonna park that thing?”

I was pushing a regular shopping cart. Wasn’t sure if that was relevant or not. Perhaps Aisle 9 was a “No Cart” aisle. I pushed the cart toward the counter to get it somewhat out of the way, put it in park, set the brake and then followed him down Aisle 9. There was a pallet filled with paint products blocking the aisle about halfway down that would have kept me from bounding over the pallet. He pointed toward the shelf just shy of the pallet and then turned and left.

It was the product I was looking for and it was shy of the pallet, but I was just happy to have finally found it. I used self-checkout to keep this story shorter and then remembered Judy wanted me to stop for a few items at my favorite people store, WALMART.

Plum tomatoes were on the list and I always dread that experience. Those little plastic bags….they never open!! It is like they are fused by some sort of laser technology and someone is sitting in the back laughing as they monitor via hidden camera the plum tomatoes and the antics people have to go through the get the bag open. I am convinced one of them ripened before I was able to finally get the back open. Judy only wanted three, but for the amount of time it took to do that, I threw seven of the suckers in the bag!

Three easier products later, I again used the self-checkout before heading toward the Dunkin Donuts shop located just inside the store. There was not a line, as it was still only 8:15 am. This one person, a young lady I think, came up to the counter and stared at the register, while I could not help but stare at her.

She was about five feet tall and had ears. But her ears were pointy, like Science Officer Spock pointy or Hobbit pointy. If they were fake, she sure spent a lot of time using makeup to cover the line that is usually there when putting on fake ears. I have a pair on my desk, staring at them as I type. I put them on an hour or so ago to check to see how distinguishable the line was and, oh yeah, it is SO noticeable.

It didn’t help that she had at least five ear piercings in each ear, some where humans have ears and others up, you know, higher. I had never seen that before. I almost didn’t notice the purple highlights in her dreads or the almost lost-in-the-moment nose ring. I have never seen anyone with a nose ring blow their nose. How is that possible? Anyway, I was about to ask if there was some kind of movie promotion going on when another employee walked by without any paraphernalia. I glanced quickly at a third employee making someone a breakfast sandwich and they were, uh, plain as well.

Spock looked up at me after what seemed like an emotional eternity and asked, “How may I help you?”

“Hi. Just a regular hot coffee, regular cream and sugar.” I tried to stare directly into her eyes to control any unintended facial expression or twinges.

So, it was a regular experience…this morning’s shopping…all in all.

Captain Kirk…OUT.