This Gives Me Heartburn

My wife Judy always has at least two options available for any occasion. It seems with every trip to the market, we get another antacid, or a different kind of bandage or the newest vitamin. Something caught my eye the other day when I was searching for an antacid. We have three different types: the traditional stuff that is made out of what seems like sidewalk chalk, another with colored chalk to make you feel better about eating white chalk, and the gummy brand. That prompted me to review the labels before deciding which one to take. Strangely enough, they are all “extra strength”. So, I searched the internet and could not find one that was regular strength, so doesn’t that mean that extra strength is now regular?

They are all made with calcium carbonate as the main ingredient. We get calcium carbonate from sedimentary rock, mostly limestone.

We also get lime from limestone which is what we line our ballfields with, so I wonder how far removed one is from the other. Do ballplayers have less heartburn than other people because they snuff in the lime from the lines on the field? All that aside, I just finished chewing on a white rock that was ground up and reshaped into a tablet. YUM!

The bottle also had a 1-888 number to call if I had any questions. I certainly do and I certainly did call.

“Hello, you have reached XX Pharmaceuticals. How may I direct your call?”

“I have some questions about your antacid.”

“What exactly is your question sir?”

“Well, first I said QUEST SHUNS, as in plural. But my first one is why do they contain corn starch AND modified corn syrup?”

“Sir?”

“It is a simple question. Let me help by rephrasing it. According to the internet, modified corn starch has more of a binding quality than regular corn starch. I just took a couple of these tablets because of something else that is all bound up. So, why would I want to complicate the matter?”

“Sir, how many did you take?”

“Two.”

“Well, sir, I doubt you will have any problems.”

“That’s easy for you to say, but let’s move on. The bottle says I could suffer side effects such as dysgeusia and eructation. It made me wonder if I was taking the right medicine for the right problem.”

“Sir, Dysgeusia is simply the disruption of your taste, so basically if you start to have a metallic or salty taste in your mouth, it could be from the product.”

“Seems like you could have put that on the bottle. Something like – this could make things taste funny for a while. But I am more concerned about that other word.”

“Eructation.”

“That’s the one, but I am blushing right now, I have to tell you.”

“Sir, eructation is simply belching.”

“Whew…okay. But why use such a big word. You know my mom used to have a saying, “Better out than in a dead man’s eye.”

“Sir?”

“Yeah, whenever one of us kids would burp, that was the common phrase. I guess it meant that you might live longer if you were a good belcher.”

“Well, I don’t know about that sir, and I wish you a good….”

“Now wait a minute. Let’s slow this pony down to a trot. I have a few more questions. Like how would I know if I was allergic to this stuff?”

“Has anything happened since you took the tablets, sir?”

“No, but the internet said that some side effects include bloating, constipation, upset stomach and mood swings. I took the medicine for three of those four and to keep the other one from happening.”

“Sir?”

“I was bloated, had an upset tummy and you know what they say.”

“Sir?”

“You know……#2 should be easy to do!?”

“Okay sir, way too much information but I am more concerned with you taking the medicine to actually prevent something. That is not what the tablets are for.”

“Well, I beg to differ. I’ve been happily married for 23 years now….”

“Congratulations sir.”

“Well wait a minute, because the other 23 years have been somewhat miserable.” You see, if I did NOT take this medicine and continued to complain about my stomach, my wife would have a mood swing that would put this day in the miserable category. So you see, one of the side effects of NOT taking the medicine is mood swings and also if you DO take it. How would I know what caused what?”

“Sir, that is very rare and actually pertains to YOU having mood swings as a result of taking the medication.”

“Well, I have to tell you that is almost as confusing as that eructification stuff you were talking about earlier. But I have one last question.”

“There is a god.”

“Excuse me?”

“Uh, I was calling out to my co-worker…uh…Todd.”

“Why do you put paint in your pills?”

“We don’t do that sir.”

“Well, it says right on the label that one of the inactive ingredients is shellac. Now if I was to go buy some shellac, I would have to go to the paint department.”

“There are many different types of shellac, sir, and this one is harmless to you.”

“Why can’t you just leave it out. It is listed as the 13th out of 14 inactive ingredients which means you don’t put that much in. Does that mean you don’t need to use much or because it is so dangerous that is all that you dare to put in the pill?”

“I can only say that all our medical products go through extensive testing and we experienced very few people who reacted adversely to this product.”

“Well…okay….but now I have a question about your calcium supplementary pills that my wife picked up in the vitamin aisle.”

“bbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

And I never got prompted to take a survey!!

PEACE OUT!!!!!