Stay Calm and Know that Chocolate Understands You Best

It seems I have avoided stress throughout my life by making people around me stressed. I used to think that it was effective to tell a stressed out person to “calm down”. I must have been ahead of my time, because now there are signs you can buy or download that sat just that!

Stay Calm and Carry On

Stay Calm and Believe You are Great

Stay Calm and Remember People Are Idiots

But the real secret to avoiding stress is to marry a professional worrier. That’s right. Some people have dog walkers, some have housekeepers, some even have personal trainers. Me? I have a professional stress keeper. Judy worries about everything. She once worried about running out of things to worry about; which by the way, never happened. Being married to a stress keeper automatically makes you the calm person and even if you used to worry, your role now is to create a balance in the marriage, and the only way to counter-balance stress is to remain CALM!

So, I did some research on stress. It struck me funny that the first page that was listed for stress relief was sponsored by ZZZ Quill. I would have thought Johnny Walker or Busch or the Napa Valley Chamber of Commerce. But before you reach for that purple remedy, let’s look at what the website had for advice. I also asked Joe Alpaca for his response to the top ten list. That is immediately after each entry.

1. Avoid caffeine, alcohol and nicotine. I would imagine most people who drink coffee are trying to get ahead of a stressful day of work. People who drink alcohol are likely trying to forget about work or are celebrating another 5pm event. And I would imagine if you are trying to be less stressed, the last advice you want to hear is “put down that pack of cigarettes and it will all be better.” That’s like telling someone “relax, that scorpion on your arm isn’t going to hurt you.”

2. Indulge in Physical Activity. While this seems simpler than #1, going to a gym and touching all those machines that other people have sweated all over and coughed on is not going to help with my stress. It is going to make me stress about germs! Running outside? Between traffic, dogs and bugs, by the time I get home, I am an emotional wreck. I was once chased by someone with a bat because I was standing on the hood of their car because their dog started chasing me.

3. Get More Sleep. This one made me snort. I would think if you are stressed, the things you are stressing over are playing in a looped video inside your head. Telling you to “get more sleep” is again like that scorpion situation.

4. Try Relaxation Techniques. Now, they don’t tell you which ones and I stopped counting at 78 recommendations on another web search. What I have found is that parenting is much like stress. Those with no kids (or worst kids) are the ones telling you how to parent and those who have the least amount of stress are telling you how NOT to stress.

5. Talk to Someone. Yeah, but who? If you first have to ask them to first lower the sound of the football game, that conversation likely isn’t going to do you any good. And do you talk to the person causing you the stress? Yeah, there wasn’t much to go on here.

6. Take Control. LOL. “Captain, the Kraken has broken the ship in two and we are sinking. What should we do?!” “Don’t worry…take control…I’ll be right back!” Yeah, that ain’t gonna work.

7. Keep a Stress Diary. Writing down what is bothering you can be helpful or it could just give you more to stress about. Should you do it in a physical notebook? What if someone finds it? On-line? What if it is hacked? What if it gets a virus and I lose everything?

8. Manage Your Time. Well that might work if you are stressed about not having enough time, but according to most chiropractic sites I visited, their top 10 reasons for stress do not include time management, so this would likely only give you more time to affectively stress.

9. Learn to Say “No”. What if you are stressing over a potential promotion at work. If you are offered the job, should you say NO? What if you are stressed about the concept of marriage? “Will you marry me?” NO!!! Yeah, this is definitely not a fix all.

10. Rest If You Are Ill. Really? You could be ill because you are so stressed. And you can’t sleep because you stressed. And now you are going to stress because you can’t rest because you are ill. When does it end?

So now we get to Joe Alpaca’s Top 10 List to “Cope With Stress”. It is important to note hear that Joe is not a medically trained professional and the advice given usually makes more sense after at least a few sips on a drink.

1. Admit you are a stress keeper. Once we accept who we are or have become, the better we can cope with things like stress. Come on, you can do it!

2. Set Aside Time to Stress. People set aside time to attend meetings, to exercise, to eat, to exercise and all that. Setting aside time to focus on your stress could improve your outlook and make it more productive.

3. Prioritize Your Topics. Instead of worrying about things willy-nilly, categorize your topics of concern. If you are worried about seven things, try worrying about one a day and then move to the next one tomorrow. Focusing all your energy on one concern could help answer some questions.

4. Nicotine, Caffeine and Alcohol. We all have habits. Some are good, some are bad. But as you are nursing that glass of chardonnay, think of something good in your life…something you have accomplished or a good relationship. By associating drinking with the goodness in your life, that will give you a good reason to drink. “Hey Doc, my drinking takes me to a better place. Back off!”

5. Find Your Happy Place. No, not the chardonnay! Whether it is physical or mental, everyone should have a happy place. Whenever I am stressed, I go fishing. Most times it is all in my mind, but I just close my eyes and instead of thinking of what is eating at me, I go fishing. And don’t focus on the fish getting off the hook. You have to catch the fish each time, otherwise you are defeating the purpose.

6. Replacement Stress. You are a stress keeper, so this is meant to provide you with a healthy stress cycle. Give yourself a maximum number of things to stress about. Now give them a priority. Every week, at a minimum, think about the new things you want to stress about, but for each now item you want to add, one has to come off your list; perhaps the one with the least priority. Since we all tend to stress about things outside our control, we should be able to replace things that get stale.

7. Create a Stress Box. This is for those of us that relate better to touchy feely stuff, take a scrap of paper, one for each worry, that you could really do without thinking about it. Perhaps it is a worry about whether to trade in your car this year. Write it down. No seriously, we’ll wait. Okay good. Now stick it in the box and close the box. That topic will be there for later. You won’t need to think about it until you reopen the box.

8. Get a Scarecrow. When I was a wee lad, my mom bought me a toy that resembled the scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz. Turns out if you grabbed it by the feet, you could whack it against things and literally knock its stuffing out. Then you could stuff it back in. And over and over. I think I still have it somewhere in a box. Use your scarecrow to vent some frustration over your worries. Please don’t do it in the mall…people might start to wonder. Voodoo pins are optional.

9. Watch Fish. Don’t laugh. We have this 50-gallon aquarium and all it has in it are six goldfish, one snail and a bunch of plants. The fish started out about an inch long and now they are three times the size. Each one seems to have a different personality. Speedy, the snail has grown tenfold but seems to keep to himself. But fish don’t stress. They watch as you walk by to see if its is breakfast or dinner time, but they mostly just glide around the tank and enjoy themselves. It is relaxing, you don’t have to pick up after them and they don’t shed.

10. Deny you are stress keeper and wait for the next blog. Seriously. If none of that is helpful, just close out and go worry about something, cuz I got nothin’ else.

PEACE OUT and STAY CALM............unless you are at the point of saying "Don't tell ME what to do!!"