Did I Somehow Mess That Up?

In high school, I was voted most likely to screw up an anniversary. I have some romantic bones in my body but one of them is my humerus. Don’t get me wrong. Judy and I have been married 23 wonderful years; it’s just that the other 23 years have been less than stellar.

Sorry, but that’s what marriage is all about. Some days it's like you are on autopilot and the skies are blue and calm with fluffy white clouds. Then this hurricane comes tearing up the coastline and into your path. The turbulence knocks your carry-on out of the overhead bin, hits and breaks your kneecap and the plane has to make an emergency landing in a town with no fire department. The pilot announces departure will be with the emergency inflatable chutes. When you hit the bottom, you look up and here comes the cowboy wannabee who was sitting next to you in 37B, hanging onto his ten-gallon hat, boots and spurs aimed at your head and shouting "YeeHaw" as you desperately try to wake up from this nightmare of a day. Then the next day is just fine.

Anniversaries and Valentine’s Day contribute to my demise but most of it is self-inflicted. That being said, I feel a need to pause on anniversaries, to take a closer look at what my expectations over the years have been.

But first, let me call out the woman responsible for all the turmoil I have had to endure – Emily Post. You see, back in 1922, Emily, or should I say Ms. Post, first published what SHE thought should be the standard anniversary gift for each year. And of course, since Ms. Post was so widely read back then, it caught on and has even been updated with “modern” gifts. Now, I try to keep pace with this changing world but there are times when I wish it would just stop for a few years. I miss flip phones and being able to act with a USS Enterprise crew member!

Ms. Post said the first anniversary gift should be paper. Now think about this. Way back then I was a guy without a clue. That could be anything!

So, I buy a card and write her a check. For some reason, I’m told, that falls short of romantic. At the time I was making $500 a year. The only other thing I could have afforded was a traffic ticket.

Now, year two, according to Dear Emily is cotton. Again, pretty wide open for guy with a ten-month old baby daughter. I figured some new cloth diapers and a few cotton up-chuck towels to through over your shoulder would have been sufficient. It was either that or a year supply of Q-tips, but that would have been harder to wrap, another of my favorite things to do.

Year number three brought with it some coaching from one of my friends at the time. Leather was the theme and okay, my mind was just racing like a thoroughbred on race day. I was talked out of my first and second choices before I settled on a nice pair of boots with leather shoe laces. Hey, at the time and in my defense, we were into hiking and stuff. How was I supposed to know?

Having lost that friend, year four I was back on my own again. This one seemed easier: fruits and/or flowers. By this time, we were proud parents of two lovely daughters. Having spare time meant being able to brush and floss without interruption! I know this will strain the imagination of some of my readers, but it was also before the internet and Google, so all gift ideas came from friends or walking aimlessly through a store hoping something fell off a shelf and into your arms. I thought of a bouquet of flowers but they were expensive. Rainbow sherbet seemed like a safe bet, seeing how you can’t go wrong with orange, raspberry and lime. They’re all fruits!!

#5 was somewhat easier. We were in North Carolina at the time and that state is known for its furniture and since wood is the theme for the fifth anniversary, I kind of stumbled into this one. Our collection of furniture was basically a four-piece bedroom set with each piece made from a different type of wood, a kitchen table that came from my mother-in-law’s mudroom and a couch from Auntie Em with some water damage. So, I figured I was going to have to cough up some money to get something anyway, so let’s spruce up the place. Years later I learned that type of a two-fer didn’t cut it (Rule #93).

I will skip ahead to the famous 10-year anniversary, where the theme is aluminum. Really?! What was I supposed to do with that?

I wonder if this Emily Post, I mean, she must have hated men. Aluminum is entrapment. Nothing good is made out of aluminum. I remember as a child my sisters and I used to see who could chew on aluminum foil the longest. That ended with my first cavity, as chewing on foil then seemed to send a series of internal shocks through my jaw. Aluminum? I bought a six-pack of beer and wrapped it in aluminum foil and called it a win!

Anniversary #20 is china. Or is it supposed to be China? It really didn’t specify and there is nowhere to go for online support.

By this time, Judy’s expectations are so low that if I just bought some sweet and sour pork, she would have been happy. As confused as I was, I simply purchased a gravy boat that was MADE from china and had a “Made in China” sticker on it. I figured “how could I go wrong.” I found out later!

It is not until you get to anniversary number 25 where it all becomes clear. #25 is silver. The good news is that by this time, I could actually afford something made out of silver and it seemed pretty straight-forward. I bought this nice silver necklace and Judy loved it. Two days later she asked for the receipt. It was the same necklace she had purchased for herself a few years back and wanted to buy a slightly longer one to go with it. Still counts as a win, but I didn’t get credit for the extra cost of the larger necklace!

#30 is a pearl and Judy is tired of my choices! At this point, Judy just picks out what she wants and lets me know it is from me. Oddly enough, that works for the two of us! There is no pressure and no expectation….however, the problem just morphs! The next five-year anniversaries are coral, ruby, sapphire, gold and diamond. OUCH! And with Judy’s eyesight getting worse as the anniversaries pile up, small is not part of the equation. I used to buy her jewelry that came with a magnifying glass. I am told that is not a viable option anymore. I can only hope she shops around for some good sales before telling me what a kind, caring husband I am!

Good luck out there and keep your head down!